


The Cost Of Love

by personface



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blatant Abuse Of Commas, Complicated Relationships, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Raven-centric, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28922376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/personface/pseuds/personface
Summary: To defeat Trigon, Raven seeks a magic Dagger that would kill her and end the prophecy. Caught in the act she agrees to go on a quest with Beast Boy to see if they can't find a mythical item instead. On the journey, Raven confronts the feelings she has for Beast Boy, and more importantly, what could happen if she lives past 20.
Relationships: Beast Boy/Raven, minor robin/starfire - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	1. The Dream

**Author's Note:**

  * For [UnityGhost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnityGhost/gifts).



Raven was having a nightmare. Held by Slade, forced to watch the world come to ruin by the apocalypse, the one she was prophesized to bring. She flew back to the tower, but his voice followed her, even there. _So, the little girl thinks she can hide in the tower._ She was supposed to be safe here! Thunder flashed on the sunny day and suddenly Slade was behind her again. “Relax, Raven, I just want to show you something.”

His hand hit her shoulder and suddenly they were at the park. “Do you remember that little boy?” Slade asked. Wearing a yellow dinosaur t-shirt, mini-cargo shorts and sneakers, he couldn’t’ve been more than 5 and had his family nearby. Of course she remembered him. She had flown him away from a giant robot last week into the arms of his crying mother.

What was surprising was after the battle the boy ran up to her and insisted she join their picnic. Actually, Raven realized, standing stuck next to Slade, this was that scene. The mother hadn’t had the heart to refuse the boy, far too glad he was alive and knowing he’d been scared to. So, Raven and the rest of the Titans had been invited to join their picnic. Robin showed him some moves, Starfire braided the little sister’s hair, Beast Boy started playing with the dog, Cyborg started talking tech with the Dad, and quietly enjoying some food and peace, Raven was startled when the Mom came up to her.

“Sorry,” the mother said, smiling. Shaking her head, Raven motioned for her to sit. “I just wanted to say thank you.” Raven froze. The woman, though, was too wrapped up in her own emotions to notice. “My little boy is alive because of you. You know, when he grows up he wants to be a firefighter.” She said, choked up. She swiped at her eyes, “He’s admired your group from a far and he just wants to make a difference in the world. Thanks to you maybe he can.”

Slade’s voice rang out. “You’ve bought him a week, maybe even a year. Certainly not long enough to be a firefighter.” Another clap on the shoulder, another bolt of lightning and flash of thunder, and this time faces of everyone she saved flew by so fast she got dizzy. “All these people you’ve saved to prove to yourself that you are a good person. All of them in vein. But, of course-” One last pat on the back and thunder/lightning clap and she was in the common room, watching as the group last night had watched a movie. “These are the ones you should really be trying to save.”

“Do you really think your friends can protect you?” She fought back tears. She knew they couldn’t. “Of course not. You don’t care that you should be protecting them.” His voice echoed, “ _Come to us, Raven, and we’ll be sure to spare them._ ” Her eyes flew open.

She looked at the time; 11:55PM. She didn’t have long. Slade was right and she needed to address this issue. She wasn’t a fool and didn’t believe for a moment they’d spare her friends, and even if they did, what good would that be if everyone else everywhere was rock?

She darted to her research bin hidden away, frantically looking through to find what she had come up with. Only two options, still- the dagger and the mirror. She cursed in her head. The mirror wasn’t feasible. Despite her best efforts she couldn’t even tell if it existed. She was out of time.

Double checking the knowledge she’d memorized by heart she made sure one last time that she knew what to do. She packed a satchel with all the supplies she’d need, putting it under her cloak, as well as all her research, just in case. There was no coming back, after all. She wrote out the full story with no details spared and put it with a duplicate of her research in a time-lock chest. She set it for a year, that way no matter what, either the universe would be dead or they would be too late to save her. Then she wrote out, what was essentially, a will.

It specified who could be trusted with what and what to do with certain dangerous items. Notably: she left the mirror to Cyborg, whom she hoped could use it given their little adventure. She left most of her books to Robin asking him to put them in the Archive when he was done with them. Starfire got any of her clothes or any mystical items she could identify (She knew that on her own turf the Tamaranian was incredibly intelligent and if Starfire had heard of it, she would know it was important enough to treat with respect).

To Beast Boy she gave a Memory Crystal as well as the projector that could display any of the memories she deposited in it. She left him a message, as well as all their happiest memories together. She also promised him he could go in her room whenever he wanted and told him that if he looked in her top drawer he’d find a spray to put on her pillow, to help him sleep. She didn’t tell him it was her perfume, mostly for his dignity, but she knew he would figure it out.

Then she wrote them a letter explaining she was going on a journey of sorts and not to expect her to come back. She explained that she was going to go destroy Trigon and she had to do it alone or it wouldn’t work. She told them how lucky she was and how much they meant to her as well the fact that they all had taken her in when she thought she couldn’t be loved. She begged them not to look for answers but promised the time-lock chest would open when the time was up, explaining everything. She attached individual letters to the will, trying to keep them brief. They varied in success but she’d be gone soon anyways. She then attached the personalized letters to the long note.

Quietly, she put it on her door before gilding down the hall to the kitchen, planning on grabbing food before she left. She probably shouldn’t’ve been as surprised as she was to see Beast Boy in the Kitchen. Backing up, she contemplated what to do. Deciding it would take too long to wait him out, and there was no way she could avoid his hearing, she landed and walked out, surprised yet again, to see that Beast Boy was, in fact, raiding her tea supply.

She cleared her throat, watching with wry amusement as he jumped, squealed, and turned into a fly for a moment, before landing sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “R-Raven! What are you doing awake at this time of night?”

“Watching you raid my tea supply apparently.” She smirked as he paled, then as he stammered out an excuse about trying it after Cyborg decided to light his tofu on fire since he needed the protein. A genuine laugh left her, easy and melodic, stopping his rambling in his tracks. His astounded expression turned outright flabbergasted when she said, “Go ahead, try a few different types, or take them all.” She shrugged. “I’ve decided to take a break from tea.”

“Are you okay? First you come out here and laugh, then you tell me I can have your tea, _then_ you tell me it’s because you don’t want tea?! Do you need a doctor?” She laughed again. It felt good. Beast boy looked like a ghost.

“I’m fine. I promise. I just came out to get some food.” She went to grab a slice of bread deciding to keep her satchel hidden until he left. She ate and watched as Beast Boy watched back.

Resisting the urge to sigh she decided to speed up the process. He had just about finished the tea anyway, so she made her move, “You’re a really good friend, you know that?” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. Just as she planned he became an incoherent mess before darting off to his room. She giggled, for what would probably be the last time in a long time, if ever, and started shoving her bag full of food.

She had just gotten to the door when she realized something and flew back to her door as fast as she could. Too late, she arrived to see him there reading the message she’d left. She noticed the personalized one was unopened. “Why didn’t you tell me?” There was heartbreak in his voice but it warred with betrayal.

She stood there for a moment trying to figure out what to do. He’d already seen. She closed her eyes to hide the tears. “Goodbye, Beast Boy.” She turned to go when she felt a hand, impossibly gentle, on her wrist.

“Please, at least tell me what’s going on. You’re scaring me.” She wanted nothing more than to tell him everything, not just for her own sanity, but because the hurt in his voice was causing her physical pain.

Ever used to denying herself, she shook her head. “I can’t. I promise you, I know what I’m doing, okay?”

“Raven, if you can’t tell me what’s going on, at least let me wake the other to say goodbye.” It was a dirty move and they both knew it but he was scared and more desperate than he cared to admit.

“You wouldn’t.” There was a venom in her voice that she reserved for villains. He couldn’t take this choice from her, there was too much at stake!

“Raven, please. Just talk to me.” She hesitated, then, sighing, she tugged him into the living room.

Sitting on the couch, she started. “Trigon created a prophesy, went through a powerful ritual to do so. Which is why he’s been out of commission and nothing more than a legend up until very recently.”

BB sat opposite her and nodded, understanding, but looked confused. “So he did a stupid dance to make his decision more credible. What’s the problem? We’ve dealt with bigger more prepared villains all the time. Plus even if he, was using magic, you have magic too.” He knew his arguments were weak, but he had to try. Raven hardly ever let him in, and when she did, although he tried to be respectful, it was sometimes terrifying.

Raven shook her head and continued. “The ritual was to make sure time itself wanted it to come true.” She saw his eyes widen minutely. “See, time protects itself, but the ritual wove his magic into the fabric of the future, making sure that if it didn’t come to pass all of space and time would implode. It would be as though nothing ever existed and there would be not a soul to mourn it.”

Something about that imaged sent an involuntary shiver through BB. “So what’s the game plan?” He asked, unwilling to assume they were just going to lay down and die. Raven smiled a little at him for that. He smiled back, grateful he’d gotten through to her.

She turned somber, thinking of her duty, and, without even realizing it, the air grew heavier around her. Literally darkening, compressing. Having never seen this before, Beast Boy was afraid to bring this to her attention lest she lose all remaining control and crush him. Besides, even though it was slightly harder to breathe, and the grief threatened to crush or drown him, he realized this was a fraction of her mindset and he felt quietly honored to be able to feel this, maybe it’d show him a way to help her better.

He put a hand on her arm, grounding her, just in case. She noticed, and, warmed by the gesture placed her hand on his. He tried to hide his surprise while Raven tried to accept these few moments of honesty. There was no more time to dance around like they had done since they knew each other.

“There’s only one thing that can be done. But it requires a journey.” She stopped, wondering if she should say any more. Even though she wanted to tell him, wanted to know he’d forgive her, even be so bold as to wish he’d share her final days, she had no doubt he’d try to stop her, or worse, get the team to stop her.

BB smiled, standing, hands behind his back, “Sweet! I’ll go get packed. It can be just the two of us.” It was devoid of any suggestive tone. If anything it sounded like it was asking permission. It also managed to bring the air back to normal.

“No.” Raven said. “I have to do this alone.” She was expecting his smile to drop, and technically it did, but she was surprised to see it was not replaced with the sad puppy dog look she was steeling herself against, but a determined yet somehow unimpressed response as he slowly sat back down.

“Raven, I know this is personal and I know you didn’t want to take anyone. But I can help. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want but…” he hesitated trying to figure out if she’d get mad at him before deciding there was no better way to say it. “I don’t want you to lose to this. I can’t.” So quietly neither of them were sure if he had wanted her to hear him, he muttered, “I won’t survive it.”

If Raven hadn’t been caught so off guard she would’ve had no problem keeping the tears from springing from her eyes. As it was, she swallowed and blinked, maintaining composure. “Look, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but this is something only I can do. I have to go. I’ve waited too long already.” She stood and started walking away.

“Raven, I’m not just letting you leave! Not when it’s killing you.” She choked back a hysterical laugh. If only he knew. Back to the matter at hand, she looked at him. She took a step towards the door, he followed. She glanced around finding something that would work. She didn’t need long, just a minute or two. Finally she realized she couldn’t trap him with anything because he’d just shapeshift. Stalking back to her room she went to the time-lock chest which was against the far wall.

“Do you know what this is?” Raven asked when he followed her. She had many chests in her room, so he really didn’t. He shook his head. “This is where the answers are.” He hesitantly took a step forward and she nodded, inviting him in.

“Hey, Raven?” He asked hesitantly stepping into her room. Last time hadn’t gone so well, his thoughts flickered back to her mirror. “You’re not coming back, are you?”

She paused. “No. I’m not.” She tried to smile at him. “It’ll be fine.”

He was at the foot of her bed now, and she made her move. She brought some sleeping powder to his head. Using both that and her mind powers she calmed his struggling brain to sleep. Mentally checking to make sure he wasn’t faking, she caught him with her powers as he fell unconscious, laying him gently on her bed. Then she left, taking one last look at him before setting off on her literal suicide mission.

She noted it was 1:52 when she left. Grimly, she realized she wouldn’t have much time. She had asked the Titans to respect her wishes not to be found but she didn’t expect for a moment they’d listen. Robin got up at 5AM every single day for his training so she didn’t have too long especially not when going up against the jet, which they would surely use. She flew up above any cameras and started off. It would be almost 3 hours to get there anyway.

She cursed herself for getting attached but even moreso letting them get attached. She had traded in her comfort for their pain. Flying faster she didn’t dare teleport because she thought that much magic might tip off Slade. She fled to an abandoned barn she’d found the first week she’d landed on Earth. It was her place and hers alone, which is why she almost never went there. No one could know about it. She welcomed it’s rusty bumpy roof and dirt floor, smiling a little at the sight. It had 4 walls, a roof and was out in the middle of no-where. All she needed, and given how dangerous she was, all she could really ever have. Well, should have.

She flew in and prepared the circle, famished from pushing herself so hard. She ate and recited the incantation that would take her to Azeroth. She wasn’t worried the Titans would pull her back. That was impossible. But what she was doing- she had no idea what the consequences would be. It wouldn’t do to save the world but have the portal explode and kill her friends. Incantation finished she waited as the portal opened and she flew to Azeroth.


	2. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short filler where the team finds the portal and waits for her to get back.

Robin couldn’t sleep either, and, unsurprisingly, he was obsessively looking up lore. He was too worried about Raven. Finally, he went to her room. He’d try to see if she was awake and if so, ask for her help. Only to find her door open, BB lying unconscious and a giant letter on the door, along with four other envelops attached. “Beast Boy? Beast Boy!” Robin cried darting to the bed and shaking him awake.

Having been put straight into deep sleep he was groggy but there was apparently enough adrenaline left over from the encounter that he shot up after a moment. “Raven! We gotta find her!”

“Calm down, what’s going on?” Robin asked trying to piece together what happened.

“No, you don’t understand, she’s going to stop Trigon herself. We need to stop her.” Robin agreed to start the jet as BB hit the emergency button and debriefed the others. Once onboard Starfire was set to steer, while Cyborg checked all the cameras. BB was remembering the conversation (actually he was trying to wake up), but it was Robin who found the hit when he used the Titan alert beacon as a locater.

Finding it abandoned, they realized the moment BB had hit the alarm Raven would’ve remembered and ditched it giving her about a 5 minute head start. BB took the ground and turned into a bloodhound, Starfire took the sky and Cyborg took the jet for a higher view, while Robin tried to use his surroundings to help. Eventually Starfire found the shack and called them all to give the location. They found the crystals but Star told them there was nothing they could do but wait.

Pulling out the personalized sealed notes, Cyborg said, “While we wait, let’s find out what’s going through our girls mind.” They sat, and with nothing better to do they read.

_Starfire_

> The only other girl on the team. I’ll miss you and when you would meditate with me. I’ll miss when you would let me hide in your room to get away from the boys, or when you’d go out to distract them so I could focus. I’ll even miss our occasional trips when you’d drag me to the mall. I’m so glad you were there to show me how to open up and what earth had to offer. I guess we explored it together didn’t we? You always recommended the best romance novels and it’s not lost on me that I felt the most human with the literal alien.
> 
> Can you make sure the team doesn’t close themselves off from each other? I need you guys to be okay. Thank you.

_Cyborg_

> Don’t tell Robin, but you were my shelter more than anyone else. I always knew that I could go to you if life got too much. You were the only one who both respected of my meditation and life choices, while also letting me have a slice of normalcy. It was my honor to be able to help you rebuild your car and I hope you know how grateful I am for your friendship.
> 
> You understood what it was like to not truly belong to yourself, to always be able to be hijacked. You were the brother I never had and the safest I’d ever felt. In a life that never felt safe, that means more than you can imagine. Literally.
> 
> Keep the team from tearing each other apart, okay? If you guys grieve over this, I know it can manifest itself in anger and hurt and if that’s what happens you’ll need each other now more than ever.

_Robin_

> You’re my best friend, and my voice of reason. You always understood the weight of the universe resting on your shoulders, the idea that no matter what you do, your enemy is always there, one step ahead, watching, taunting you. It’s enough to drive a person mad and I hope I grounded you as much as you grounded me.
> 
> You would give your life for me or any of the other Titans and I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you never got the chance. I’m not worth it, Robin. I know you’re aware of Trigon and the prophesy but, beyond that, the only reason I was born was to bring pain.
> 
> I know you’re going to try to blame yourself, and all I can say is, don’t. It’s not your fault, it’s my choice. Don’t take that from me. Keep the team focused and moving forward, they’ll need it.

_Beast Boy_

> I am so sorry. Truly. You were annoying and loud and far too enthusiastic for my taste, and I love you so, so much. If there’s one person I’m making sure Trigon is defeated for, it’s you. I never told you this, but as much as you really did frustrate me, I lived for your softer moments. I never really had anyone like you before.
> 
> You understood what it’s like to have something inside you that you can’t control, that isn’t you. How that’s terrifying and makes you question who you are. The fact that you remained who you were after that gave me hope for myself.
> 
> I know you hide behind the humor that you bring into a room. I know it’s the kindest thing you’ve ever done, but I need you to be okay. You are so much more than the comedic relief and I hate to see you hide your pain like that. Because unlike me, you don’t deal with it better alone, you just don’t deal with it at all.
> 
> Do me a favor, will you? Keep the team alive. Even if that’s just talking to them one-on-one, make sure they don’t lose themselves to their grief- that includes you.
> 
> You won’t see me again, so I suppose it doesn’t really matter but I only wish I knew you’d forgive me. This is the only way to stop Trigon so if I don’t do it, we’re all doomed, anyway. Please, will you remember me as your friend?

They all read their letters in silence before trading them around, except BB but they respected that. After a minute Cyborg cried out, “What are we supposed to make of that?!”

Of all people, Starfire defended her. “She’s afraid, rightly so, for if Trigon is undefeated we will all perish.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean pushing us away!” Beast Boy exclaimed.

“Think about it guys.” Robin, ever the tactician, responded. “What’s the first thing we did when we found out she was doing this?”

“We went after her.” Starfire replied. “The question is, what kind of adventurous journey would not be one where friends are beneficial?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven goes to Azeroth, revisiting her home. When she returns, she has a very upset welcome party...

Azeroth was just as decimated as she remembered it but that dagger was indestructible. She made sure the portal opened in the temple she was raised in, not wanting to linger. She had no doubt Trigon could sense her power, so either he would come after her, he would decide it was not worth the bother, or he would watch until he was ready to toy with her. Any-which-way, the faster she got this over with the better.

She flew through the ruins silently mourning her destructed home. Navigating the hallways wasn’t hard either, not when she had her powers, but it was time consuming. She had trouble recognizing the hallways and had to keep closing her eyes to let her muscle memory kick in. Mentally she narrowed down the places the dagger could be to only two likely places.

First she checked her mentor’s room. Almost fully collapsed she carefully lifted rubble mentally and set it down. The Dagger was created by her mother, imbued with the magic Raven would come to possess, so she closed her eyes and reached out trying to find it. It wasn’t here. She would have to be within a dozen feet to sense it but these rooms weren’t lavish. They couldn’t’ve been more than 10-by-10.

Sighing she went to check the archives. She had one more idea if it wasn’t there but she really didn’t like it. The pacifistic monks never would’ve used the Blade, even in self-defense, but they would hardly have wanted it to fall into the wrong hands either. Even though it could only hurt her and her father, if someone managed to extract the magic out of it they could wreak havoc. As she went forth she wondered how she would get past the shield but then remembered the whole place was in ruins. A shiver ran through her. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this room still stood the best, though some pillars had fallen. Quickly scanning she still couldn’t find it.

Fighting back tears she went to her mother’s room. She wondered if she should stop by her old room or if the pain would cripple her. As she passed it, she saw it was nothing but ash. In a way she was relieved. There was no choice, no regrets, no ‘what ifs’. _Besides,_ she thought, continuing to her mother’s room, _I got everything out when I went to Earth_. It was supposed to comfort her; she tried to believe it worked.

Finally arriving to her mother’s room, Raven thought of the 15 years they’d spent together, the secrets Arella never kept from her daughter. The monks and her mother told her of her birth, guided her in her heritage and her powers. It was a wise choice, she would’ve hated to think if they’d tried to keep it a secret only to have her powers burst out leaving her scared, hurt, and betrayed. The truth, though, was painful. Her mother didn’t fully understand Trigon when she’d first heard of him, and was ready to commit suicide when she found out about Raven, determined to keep the universe from being reduced to stone and ash. As she grew, Raven found she didn’t blame her mother, and was proud of the then-teenager for her selflessness.

The monks found Arella, took her in, and helped raised Raven, teaching her to control her powers and giving hope to the both of them. But it seemed that although she was willing to give her daughter a chance, Arella’s hopelessness hadn’t vanished completely. Because they didn’t have Trigons specific type of magic flowing through their veins the monks wouldn’t’ve known she had the Dagger.

She had told Raven about it, once, explaining that it could break the prophesy but hoping that Raven would find a better way. “I’m sorry, Mother” Raven whispered feeling so, so helpless. Closing her eyes she found the Dagger’s energy pulsating to her left.

Behind some broken shards of glass and the outline of a standing mirror she found the dagger, as well as the case it had flown out of. Inlaid with the same gem on both her and her mother’s forehead with a simple line down the middle and a simple silver handle to grasp, it was beautiful. The case was wooden and had only an infinity sign on it as well as a metal clasp, but was wonderful craftsmanship nonetheless. She wondered why she suddenly cared about such things and went to take the dagger, returning it to the case, and putting both into the satchel.

She mentally reached out checking how much time she had and found that Trigon had found her and was sending some minions. Flying towards the portal she saw some creatures akin to hellhounds bounding towards her. She knew they were just called to bring her to a location, presumably before her father, and was grateful they weren’t intelligent creatures, because this meant they’d left the portal intact. Starting her chant she finished it right when she got to the circle but one of the hounds had managed to get a solid hit on her shoulder.

She tumbled back through the portal gasping and swiping the sand as she went, breaking the connections. Groaning she sat up only to look at her friends.

“Uh… hi.” She said, taking stock of each of them. Cyborg had a look of righteous fury, Starfire was full of sorrow, Robin seemed confused, and Beast Boy- she glanced away. Too much betrayal and hurt.

Yet, somehow, he was the first by her side, in an instant, checking her arm. “You’re hurt.” He said softly. “Guys, can you give us a minute?” Something had changed between them, apparently, as all pretenses of a normal friendship had dropped.

Robin looked like he was about to protest and Starfire looked confused but Cyborg seemed understand the importance of whatever was happening between the two and said, “Yeah, we’ll stand guard and I’ll grab the medkit.” He grabbed their letters and ushered them outside where they could hear Robin arguing. It was clear he was just doing it out of habit and frustration at not being able to help while Cyborg was actually looking at the situation. Not the first time this would happen, probably not the last, and it meant they already knew that Cyborg would win.

Raven had always been self-loathing, how could she not? Borne of a literal demon, she was evil. Slade had only reinforced what she already knew- no matter how many people she saved, she was doomed to bring nothing but pain. Such self-loathing, which had been replaced with terror since this morning, could drown her now.

She didn’t dare meet Beast Boy’s eyes. She found, however, that the silence burned her. “Aren’t you going to yell at me?” She asked, glancing up, timidly.

He looked at her, expression unreadable, before going back to checking her injury. “For which part? The fact that you drugged me? Or maybe how you abandoned me? Ooh I know! How about how you only did so after telling me you loved me?!” She cringed. His words, while forceful, were quiet. This was between them. He stood up and went to see Cyborg had returned with the medkit but was waiting out of earshot. Taking it from him he watched as Cyborg left, then returned and sat next to her, cleaning her arm.

She didn’t dare have this conversation. That would mean repairing their relationship, going home, staying alive. “It’s not over yet.” She said, but her voice had changed. It was no longer timid, regretful, or hurt. It was dull, lifeless.

Beast Boy glanced up. “What?”

“I _told_ you, didn’t I?” she said, growing agitated. It wasn’t like this was fun for her either. “I was going to defeat Trigon, and then I was going to leave.”

“So you’re going to kill yourself.” BB said bitterly, still wiping the wounds. An impossible amount of… something was seeping out of the wounds and he wanted to make sure he got it all. He’d hate to see what a wound would look like infected by hellhounds.

“I never said that.” Raven said, as if trying to argue.

“You didn’t have to,” he shrugged, glancing up. “You said if you didn’t go through with the prophecy time itself would implode. The only way I can think of that even has a chance of avoiding that would be to take out some of the life force from the equation. Plus, where would you go? You may not act like it, but you care about your friends.”

“Why would you think that would work?” Raven asked, curious, still careful in her phrasing, and pointedly ignoring the infallible logic at the end.

“No clue. I only know that that seems to be a thing in magic and I had no other ideas. Well, that, and, if you can’t defeat Trigon the only other thing you can do is take yourself out of the equation.”

She nodded. “It _would_ make sense.” She still wouldn’t flat out admit to anything. Suddenly, she was exhausted. She looked outside. The sky was no longer dark but somehow it still wasn’t bright yet. “What time is it?”

BB glanced at his communicator. “5AM. How long have you been up?”

“Since about midnight. Filled with adrenalin though.” He nodded. All the Titans intimately knew the feeling of adrenalin crash.

“Why don’t you sleep on the jet?” he said, not really thinking. The look she gave him made him decide that, were he ever to become a villain, he was NOT going to do it in Jump City. “Sorry, I keep forgetting. But Raven. We’re your friends. We wanna help you. No matter what, you know we won’t judge you.”

She pulled her arm away to scoot back and look at him better. “And what if it _were_ suicide? What if either way I was doomed? What if that was the only way to prevent the end of this planet, and Starfire’s planet, and every other planet in existence, and your life, and their lives? Would you still help my endeavor then?”

“Please don’t ask me that.” He said, his voice just a whisper.

She put on her best poker face and waited. Almost two full minutes of staring at each other in silence passed before he finally exclaimed, “I don’t know, okay?! I don’t know.” In the silence that followed, he grabbed some gauze and wrapped her arm.

Her friends were her family but right now they were also her enemies. _Slade was right_ , she thought yet again. _I was a fool to bring them into this_. She took a deep breath. ‘ _Well then, you should go_ ’ was on the tip of her tongue. Instead she heard herself asking, “Would you still go on the journey with me if it was just the two of us?” _Okay, I guess I’m doing_ this _now. Huh. Anytime you guys wanna give me a heads up on my own body would be great_! She thought at her brain.

His brow furrowed. “Didn’t you go on the journey already?” He asked, nodding to the broken circle.

She shrugged. “One part of it. There’s a second part that… could prove beneficial,” She hedged. She wasn’t willing to say anything that could cause him to protest, (or worse, get the others and try to drag her back to the tower), until he agreed.

He looked at her a moment trying to figure out what she was really saying. Eventually he decided that it didn’t matter- there was no other option. “Sure! When do we leave?” He said, usual cheer in his voice.

“Now. Do you think you can convince them to leave or are we going to have to… incapacitate them?” She could knock them out if she had to. She didn’t think BB would approve and honestly, she didn’t either. He gaped, paused, then realized that, yeah, if they weren’t going to be followed those were the two options. He tried to think of a way to convince them.

“Come with me,” he said, standing. “I have an idea, if it doesn’t work…” he trailed off. They both knew she could take care of it but that would still mean they’d be on the run. She nodded, and as he went to talk to the others, she packed up the med kit, putting BB’s open letter in her satchel.

“Hey guys!” BB said coming out of the dilapidated barn, scratching the back of his head. “So, uh… I know Raven’s been acting weird but she really needs some time. She agreed to let me go to a cabin with her to relax but only if it’s just me.”

“Really. You?” Robin said skeptically. And, if he were being honest with himself, he would’ve found he was somewhat hurt. These are the situations Raven always came to him for.

“Ask her yourself.” He said, which Raven took as her cue to come out.

“He’s right, guys.” She said, handing the medkit back to Cyborg. “Please, just…” Even now it was hard to pull the romance card.

Starfire came forward. “Friend Raven, if this is truly what you wish, know we support you. We only wish for you to be well.” A split second passed and something overcame Raven. In almost no time she closed the gap and hugged Starfire, who let out a surprised squeak. Raven knew, she _knew_ , she was being too reckless, but she was tired, emotional, and seeing her friends for the last time. Sue her.

“It is.” She pulled back. “Thanks for understanding. This might take a while, but I know what I’m doing.” She smiled encouragingly at them.

Cyborg spoke putting his human hand on her shoulder. She treasured the weight and warmth she always associated with safety. “Alright, Raven, if you’re sure,” She nodded firmly. He gave her shoulder a squeeze and went to fire up the jet.

Robin waited until the others had gone to the jet then looked at her. “You come back to us, you hear?”

Raven forced a smile at his concern. “I hear you.” She said, still carefully choosing her words. He smiled at her and left.

She turned to BB, and nodded. “Where to?” He asked.

She turned back to the shed, indicating he was to follow. Once inside she sat down grabbing the documents from her satchel. “There’s an object- a Mirror, that could help us defeat Trigon.” She started, looking severely at him. “No one has ever found it, and frankly, I wasn’t going to bother looking for it.”

“You’re doing it now because..?”

She looked at him long and hard before deciding she didn’t want him finding out on accident. She pulled the Dagger out and showed it to him. “This is the only thing that can kill me and end the prophecy. It has his magic and mine in it. I figured there wasn’t enough time for the other option but I’m willing to wait a while longer, if you _promise_ me, that if we can’t find the mirror, you don’t try to stop me.” He looked pained. “Or I can just use it now, and make sure that you don’t die.” She pointed out.

“Why does that have to be an option at all?” He asked, hurt and frustrated.

“Because it’s the end of the world!” Raven exploded, as did a nearby board that fall from a shelf. BB flinched and she calmed herself. “We have to prepare for the fact that there might be sacrifice involved. For both of us.” She looked him straight in the eye.

“I’m not letting you die.” She continued. “I will knock you out and leave you if I think for a moment you will try to stop me, you know I will. Don’t let it come to that. Please. Stay with me. Help me, even if it’s the last thing you want to do. We have to be strong.” Suddenly their eyes were both simultaneously wet. He nodded, but it wasn’t morose as she had been expecting. It was determined, grim, and she thought maybe that was worse.

She felt determination throughout him, along with fear and guilt. She wasn’t feeling much different if she were being honest. Beast Boy was surprised she didn’t call him out on his suspicious emotions but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Best to delay this as long as possible. It was sad he felt it was inevitable but knowing Raven…

Sitting on her knees she slipped the dagger into her cleavage, before spreading out a map and over it, put pictures of lore. “This,” she said pointing to a sketch. “Is the Mirror Of Pictures.” She waited a split second, just enough to inhale, but was surprised when he held his tongue. Without glancing over she continued, “It’s a powerful artifact that can change the reality of it victim. It has a transparent background. To use it you put a picture in the frame; anyone who looks into it gets transported there. Taking the picture out, _without_ looking the mirror, and then burning it, ensures the destruction of its victims.”

“That sounds super OP,” he said, wondering for a split second if she’d know what it meant before realizing, yes, she’d lived with him _and_ Cyborg playing video games. “Why hasn’t someone taken over the world with this thing?”

“Because no one’s found it.” She said, putting the paper back and pulling out three different cryptic sheets. “It’s indestructible, or so they say, but no one’s even sure it exists or if it’s just a myth.”

“So our job is to find it.” He said, clearly requesting confirmation.

She nodded pointing to the first of the three pictures. “I’ve looked through literally thousands of books and less than a hundred even mentioned it and of those that did, most were vague and either didn’t dive into too much they clearly didn’t know, or were obviously spewing garbage.” BB took the paper to get a better look. “I figured any real leads I’d need would be following the origin of such a mirror. That kind of magic isn’t around anymore, dissipated, destroyed or gone to ground from civilization cultivating itself.”

BB groaned. “Is this going to be _another_ ‘humans suck thing’ where it’s all our fault and shame on us…” He paused making an exaggerated look at his less than human self, “Them?” He grinned.

Smiling, she shook her head. “If I were against civilization why would I be trying to save it?” She asked somewhat rhetorically which is why she was surprised (and somewhat hurt) when she got an answer.

“Apparently, you weren’t until you found us.” He said softly, clearly referring to his letter. What was she supposed to say to that? The truth, she realized, was neither complicated nor secret and she was glad it could save this conversation.

Still, she was kind of hurt. Leveling him with a ‘take no crap’ look she said flatly, “You realized I was raised in a literal monetary on Azeroth, and had been on Earth not even one day when I met you guys? ‘People’ weren’t exactly my strong suit.” She paused and he looked thoughtful if a bit sad. “Besides… you try knowing from birth that can’t have strong feelings. Spend years learning how to master that, hit puberty and do it all again, all while _knowing_ you’re destined to doom the entire universe.”

His eyes widened. She drove her point home. “When I came here almost 2 years ago, I was just finishing how to learn my emotions the second time, when I met you guys. Every time you wanted me to play stinkball or wondered what I was reading or why I turned in early there were only one of two options: self-maintenance, so I didn’t lose the progress I’d made controlling my emotions, or looking through the lore I had to find before I could read. It was a long-term thing, plus you guys were constantly asking me to do stuff with you. It wasn’t like I had much time to figure out my plans.”

He at least had the decency to look ashamed. “Besides,” Raven continued, “I said if I _had_ to pick one person, it’d be you. Not that I had to look far and wide.”

His face fell. “I’m sorry, Raven, forgive me?” He didn’t know why he was being so formal. Maybe because everything was such new territory. Maybe he needed to know where he stood. Maybe because he didn’t want her to try to do this on her own; it wasn’t a lie regardless. She put a hand on his arm and smiled.

“’Course. Now, where were we?”

“Mythical mirror is hard to find because it’s mythical.” He said, trademark goofiness seeping through.

“Right,” She said, allowing a smile and reorienting herself. “The type of magic that could create such a thing narrowed my search to centuries ago and three real possibilities. Based on any stories describing such an artifact, it never traveled far, seeming to destroy those who would use it as well is any targets.”

“Wait what?” BB said, freaked out.

“I don’t know, it wasn’t clear. I do know that if we can get it back to the tower I can study it safely, and we can deal with that problem later.” He nodded uneasily.

“There are three possibilities.” She said grabbing the correct images. “The top of this mountain, the deepest cave in existence, and-”

“Wait, wait, let me guess,” he cut in, “the edge of space?”

She smirked. “No, under a super-volcano at the bottom of the ocean.”

“Are you joking?” He asked. She raised an eyebrow at him. End of the world or no, she was still Raven. “Right, okay,” he exhaled. “Bottom of a super-volcano. What could possibly go wrong?”

She grinned. “Did I mention we’ll need to get Aqualad’s help?”


	4. Calling HimOut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beast Boy and Raven wait. While they do, she finally, FINALLY, calls him out on his fake cheer. He allows her to teach him meditation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally just talking.

After confirming that, while hilarious, it was not, in fact, a joke, and that the bottom of the super-volcano,Tamu Massif, was about 1000 miles off the shore Inubōsaki, Japan, BB sent out a message on his communicator to his frenemy. Aqualad said he’d be there in about 12 hours. She risked teleporting them there, knowing she was in this for the long haul and if Slade wanted to find them, he eventually would. She teleported them to an island that was small enough and far enough out that no one could reach them.

“So, how did it get down there?” BB asked once they had settled in for the wait.

“This happened so long ago, that the landscapes have shifted since then. Basically, it was a great city before it sank.”

“A city in a volcano?”

“This thing is huge. It’s more than 100,000 square miles.”

His face went pale. “and we have to search it?”

“No, the thing we’re looking for would’ve been created in a temple, at the very center.”

He digested that before moving on. “Hey, listen, not that I’m not grateful that no one has tried to inflict mortal doom upon us all but… why haven’t they yet? I mean, your birthday’s come and gone, Slade delivered the message, or whatever. I doubt Trigon’s doing this out of the goodness of his heart.”

She sighed. “They’re waiting for the next eclipse- without the sun it’ll be easier to cross. Either way he wouldn’t die but this way he gets to gloat sooner. It’s 6 months after my birthday. I don’t know if that’s a coincidence or not but it does give us 4 months. Well… mostly.” It was clear she was beating herself up for the time she’d wasted.

“Hey, come on. 3 months, that’s not so bad is it?” He said, dutifully trying to cheer her up.

She looked at him, deadpanned. “3 months to check up to 3 locations, find the mirror, figure out how to use it on Trigon, figure out how to get a picture of him if a painting doesn’t work, find a background, insert the picture into the background, burn the picture, and then survive whatever sway the mirror has, and that’s _if_ it really exists.”

“We’ll do it.” He said. “I promise you.” And for some reason, knowing it was based on nothing, knowing that it was just him and his determination; seeing how much he cared- that gave her hope.

“So…” BB said awkwardly trailing off. The atmosphere changed and she realized what he was thinking about.

Raven was not in the mood for cat and mouse. “So you got my letter and are trying to decide if you feel the same.” BB was quiet for a moment, looking at her. She was surprised he hadn’t come back with a quip.

Every choice they made seemed to be a coin toss between yesterday’s relationship and today’s, one foot in the past and one in the future, the old and the new. Whether or not it was ‘growing’ she couldn’t say, but she knew they were changing, and, if she survived she might’ve tried to choose how. To control and shape her own destiny. Too bad that wasn’t going to happen.

“No,” he said, finally. “I know how I feel. I just don’t know if you wrote that because you were feeling, bad or guilty or sentimental ‘cause you thought you were never going to see us again.”

“Of course not,” she said, too taken aback to stop herself.

“Oh.” Even green he managed a decent blush, scratching the back of his head like he did when he thought he’d messed up. “Well, if you’d like, and, you know, we survive, I’d love to go to that new vegan restaurant that just opened up. I heard they make the best tea.”

She smiled at his thoughtfulness. “I’d like that.” She said but then trailed off lost in her thoughts. Judging by her expression, they weren’t good.

“Hey, Raven?” He asked timidly. “How long are you going to wait before… you know, you start thinking about using the Dagger?”

She took a deep breath and sighed. “I don’t know. This is new territory for me too. Technically, I’m supposed to be dead.” She saw him bite back an outburst and was grateful. “I told you I’d wait as long as I could. So unless something comes up, I’m probably going to wait until the week, if not the day, of the eclipse.”

“‘Something comes up’ meaning…?”

She glanced at him. “You know there’s a chance Trigon will send Slade after us.”

BB Shrugged. “What are they going to do? Not like they can kill you. I don’t think your dad” She flinched outright. “Sorry- I don’t think Trigon would sent Slade after you just to keep you in a cage for a few months.”

“No.” She agreed. “He would rather play games and let me think I have a chance. But that’s not what I’m worried about.” She said looking out into the distance. After a moment, she soldiered on. “If he sent Slade after you, if Trigon hurt you because of me- I wouldn’t be able to live with myself."

“Sure, you would.” He chuckled, somewhere between painfully bitter and frightfully oblivious. “After all, it’s not like you hate who I am 90% of the time.” He said sarcastically, self-loathing sending ice shards into her empath heart.

“No. That’s who you _pretend_ to be.” She said and he was so surprised at being called out, actually being called out, that he blanked. Rolling her eyes, she continued. “You don’t really think I buy that happy-go-lucky demeanor of yours, do you?”

“It’s real!” He squeaked, too quickly, too emphatically. He didn’t want to admit that if it wasn’t he didn’t know who he was. As much as he teased Raven about being broody, it was easy for him to become far worse.

“You’re right; it is. You found a way to find joy in making others laugh and that’s good. But if you had to go 3 days, even a week, without people?” She let the question hang knowing he’d see it too.

It wasn’t pretty. It was depression, a past she didn’t know enough about, and so much self-hatred. So much insinuated failure, people acting like it was his fault for so much he couldn’t control or even if he actively tried to help. The abandonment that came with that.

People deemed him a failure, wrote him off as depleted, and tossed him over their shoulder like a crumpled up piece of paper, leaving him to pick up his own shattered remains, without ever looking back. The self-hatred that it was somehow his fault- that dozens of people couldn’t all be wrong, that somehow, no matter where he went, he was an outcast and there had to be a reason for that… right?

It was feeling isolated from people and no matter how high he could fly, how far he could run, or how deep he could swim, if people didn’t want him around, didn’t genuinely enjoy his company (as opposed to begrudgingly tolerate it most of the time), there was nothing he could do about that, and there was a sickening claustrophobic feel whenever he remembered that, on days when he felt particularly rejected.

He blamed himself for a lot, mostly letting people get hurt and driving them away, even when it wasn’t his fault. That meant he never thought he should be a burden on anyone. It was easy enough to spot for Raven, observant and far to intimate with the thought of being a burden to miss it, since she was hardly too busy socializing.

“I don’t know who I am without it.” He spoke quietly. “I don’t want to just be depressed all the time but once my brain gets in that mindset, I don’t want to leave, and since it seems to be my default, so I just don’t ever let myself sit still or be alone long enough to hit that point.”

“Except a couple times with me.” She pointed out, though her tone was questioning. She was conflicted and confused that her best times with him was when he was real but he seemed to hate those times.

“You needed it. Sometimes, you needed someone to make sure you were okay. Meditation might be fine for controlling your powers, controlling the pain, but they never made you stop hurting, not really. I knew if you didn’t talk to someone, it would eat you up inside.”

“So, all those times you helped me, everything you did for me, that was hurting you?” He glanced away uncomfortably.

“Of course not.” He said, the same tone of voice as when he’d been caught in a bad prank and was half-heartedly lying.

She looked at him, blankly, trying to get a grip on the pain that threatened to overwhelm her, or rather, the guilt. “Oh,” she said, realizing yet another person suffered because of her and tried to spare her both the pain and the knowledge. Worse, she realized, with a sudden lurch in her stomach, he’d gone through the pain _willingly_. She hadn’t even realized. So much for learning how to be a friend, if she couldn’t even see that.

He must’ve seen the look on her face as he tried to explain. “It never hurt because I was focused on helping you. It was basically was just background noise, a little pressure in the back of my mind.” He smiled as it was her turn to reveal a pretty impressive blush, given her natural skin tone.

“I could only really do it with you.” He continued, figuring he might as well finish the story. “The others never drowned out the static. Starfire, ‘cause she’d go to Robin. He and Cyborg never wanted me to act gentle around them. It was like they thought they had to be the big brothers or something.”

“Sometimes I’d play dumb so they could work through their problems if only to get back into that role.” He looked out over the water, saying the last part almost to himself. “Anything to keep them going.”

There it was. The thing she loved about him. The quiet maturity he went out of his way to hide, just to make other happy. The burden of knowing more than anyone else saw. The way he’d let himself be written off as dumb if it meant others could get back their leadership equilibrium, even though it was clear that over time he started to believe his own act.

Oh, she knew that if need be, he could step up to the plate. He could pull off the miracle they would need if all the other leaders would be taken out but that so rarely happened that when it did, it was easy for everyone else, including him, to write it off as luck.

In general, she knew they _were_ lucky not to have those situations very often but sometimes she wanted to bash her teammates heads in for treating him like he was just the comic relief. She did it, because while he was in that mode, there was nothing to be done without hurting him further. But even when he tried to help, everyone else seemed to discredit him.

“I think you would make a great leader.” She said sincerely. He side-eyed her tiredly. This day was too long already and he had no idea if she was mocking him. “I mean it.” She said, “You might not want to lead, but you draw people together, and when push comes to shove you come up with decent plans. Ones that aren’t too complicated to backfire. But most of all,” she looked directly at him. “You give people hope. You remind them what’s at stake, and who they are, which is never a quitter. You bring out the best in people, which is what a true leader does.”

He paused, thinking about it. He’d never had too much of a chance to show it, and when he had, he’d been distracted with how high the stakes were, at getting his friends back. She was right though, he realized. He smiled at her.

They sat together, comfortably quiet for a minute before Raven asked, “Would you like me to teach you to meditate?” Beast Boy was confused and it must’ve shown on his face because Raven continued, “I just thought it might help you be alone with your thoughts, should you ever actually have to be away from people for more than 5 minutes.” She teased.

He took a deep breath, actually considering it, before finally shaking his head. Raven, disappointed, was about to quickly backpedal when he spoke, “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just- meditation is about making peace with your thoughts right? At least enough that you can control your emotions?” She nodded, uncertainly.

He looked away unable to speak. Still, she was an empath, and was able to feel the self-hatred radiating from him. It was so strong she figured anyone could, yet no one ever did. “You know meditating would get these thoughts under control, right? At least enough for you to process them on your own terms.”

He looked surprised, then realized what was happening, before saying as loud as he could, (which was still barely more than a whisper) “They’re not _wrong,_ though. How can I fight, how do I get to fight, anything that’s the truth?”

She remained silent for a moment, giving the question her full focus. Obviously, it wasn’t the truth, but she’d had enough personal experience to know that wasn’t necessarily relevant. “When I was a girl,” she started, looking away, over the waves. They lapped back and forth, peacefully unaware of the turmoil mere feet away. “I found out about Trigon. They told me I’d been created as a weapon, but that I didn’t need to be one. They explained that I was made of evil, but I didn’t have to be evil.”

“Still, that’s pretty harsh.”

“The alternative was to keep it a secret, have me find out, be betrayed, and lash out, so I’d say they made the right call. Anyway, it didn’t matter what they said, the truth was the truth. I knew what I was made of, made for, and that the best case was more than likely me dying. Generally, I was able to be my own person, my meditations and using my power for small but good deeds giving me an identity of my own.”

“As I grew older, though, I began to have mood swings, and though logically I knew my thoughts were being hormonal, I was also aware that I was putting people in danger. It was so hard to see a reason to keep going. After all, I put innocent people in the hospital because we had the wrong thing for supper.” Beast Boy schooled his expression but not before gawking for a split second.

“Yeah, not so amazing now, am I? I remember one time in particular I had snuck into Arella’s room, and I had the Dagger, had I was just staring at it. Objectively, I’d caused so much more harm than good. Objectively, I’d been a villain and there wasn’t even a choice. Objectively, it would be a good thing if I wasn’t there anymore.” She made a point of looking at him here. “How do you fight anything that’s the truth, right?”

“But that’s not-!” He cried out before cutting himself off, trying to find a way to say something she couldn’t immediately turn back on him. She watched, quasi-amused, as she gave him time to process.

“You were upset because of something you couldn’t control. I’m upset because my very personality is apparently a toxic fart.” She hadn’t expected that argument, but it made sense.

Still, “Or maybe it’s just that everyone you’ve been around is a superhero with no sense of humor.”

“Yeah, it’s hilarious when I’m such a failure people die.” His tone had a venom in it she hadn’t heard since the Beast incident. Except this was far more genuine, and worse, directed at _himself_. “Or the bad guys get away again and again. Or I can’t even…” He trailed off furious at himself, on the verge of tears.

Abruptly, his demeanor changed. He grinned at her, “So wait, you really think I have a good personality?”

As it so often did, her heart ached, burned, for the poor comedic act in front of her. Because that’s all it was, an act, designed to make others happy, at the expense of himself. She just looked at him, knowingly, and waited.

“Well?” He prodded, grinning. Right, she forgot how much practice he’d had with this act.

“Beast Boy, in case you forgot, I’m an empath. You can’t fool me.”

Ears drooping, he mumbled, “It worked every other time.”

That made her mad. “No- it didn’t.” She snapped. “It just would’ve made it worse to call you out in front of others. If you wanted to self-destruct, we either weren’t alone or you were in such a delicate state, pushing would’ve only made it worse. So, will you please stop being so fake? It gives me heartburn.” It wasn’t a lie.

He looked at her a moment before asking, “Why? I mean, I just don’t think it’s your job to give me therapy.”

She looked at him. “I want to help you. You helped me after Malchior. I helped out after Terra.” They both winced. “We helped each other after Adonis. I thought that’s what friends did.” Vulnerability colored her words towards the end, against her will.

“I’m sorry, I just thought you had enough on your plate.” BB responded honestly. “If you want me to stop being so fake, I can try.” He continued, and she smiled gratefully. “I’ll even let you teach me meditation. Or at least try.” He grinned, shamelessly.

She smirked before getting down to business. She guided him on the thought-process, the decided unimportance of posture, the goal (have no thoughts). After about ten minutes he started to get fidgety and she decided that was enough. “Too much when you’re not ready is like trying to train when you’re tired. At some point it just causes harm.”

This seemed to have an impact him, as she knew he always thought of it as more of a chore than a relief. Something to push through no matter how sick of it you were.

For a few brief, precious moments, they had genuine peace, with themselves, each other, and their thoughts. A first, they knew, and, unfortunately, quite likely a last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the ending was abrupt, it's because it was cut off mid-scene.  
> Coming up, the scene that I posted before, and all the angst.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beast Boy closes in on an actual relationship with Raven; facing his biggest hurdle yet.  
> Oh, but before that she tortures him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it luck that I managed to post my darkest chapter yet on valentines day? Yes but I like it!

After a while, he spoke. “Hey Raven?” He decidedly didn’t look at her. He was suddenly so nervous _her_ stomach had butterflies. “You know that date we planned? Well, just in case it never comes…”

He leaned in and kissed her. At first she froze, then she relaxed, then she started to return it. Then her energy flew out and knocked him back 30’ where he hit his head on a rock.

Cursing under her breath, she flew over to him, instantly turning him on his side to look at his head. Like all Titans he was far more resilient than the average human but that didn’t mean he was impervious to harm… or pain.

Groaning he tried to sit up and she shushed him, telling him to stay still. “Don’t move, I need to heal that.”

“Rae… what happ’n’d?” He was groggy and that worried her, even if she knew there’d be no lasting damage.

“I was an idiot and you got hurt.” She said bitterly, rapidly but carefully knitting his skin back together. She knew she was spending more energy to fix him than if she went slower but she didn’t care. She was furious at herself.

By the time BB was ready to sit back up she was just about done and, placing a hand on the wound, she made sure to heal the lingering pain, as well.

“Oh.” He said, memory coming back to him. “Sorry, guess I shouldn’t’ve surprised you like that.”

She glared at him. “You know full well we were far past that point when- we’re done here. I’m going to meditate and when Aqualad gets here, we’ll get the mission done.” She said putting up her hood.

“Raven, wait!” BB grabbed her wrists and a jolt of electricity snaked down her skin shocking him without remorse.

“ **Don’t** touch me.” She said, eyes glowing red, voice in multiples. She flew back about 10’ before taking a deep breath. Her eyes calmed, but her thoughts still churned. How dare she put her happiness over the safety of others. Over _his_ safety. “I need some space.”

Like the idiot he was, he kept advancing. Rage at his gall, frustration at his persistence, and anxiety at possibly hurting him, really hurting him, built up quickly. Channeling it, she shot low-voltage black lightening from her hand, not enough to harm him, but enough to be literal torture.

As she forced him to his knees, she vaguely wondered if this was what Robin saw when they were infected with nanites. She anchored her control to his threat level (both physical and emotional), making it so when she saw he was too weak to advance on her, or try to overwhelm her, she could come back, and, hopefully, do damage control. Then she gave over to her sadistic side, so watching him didn’t destroy her.

Beast Boy resisted the urge to shift into a jaguar or a beetle. He knew he couldn’t run but he resisted the urge to rip out her throat or hide away. He wasn’t leaving her. He didn’t care what it cost, he wasn’t going to let her push him away. Not now, when they’d come so far, when everything was on the line. He’d rather die.

Speaking of…

Every nerve was on fire. Every second felt like 20 minutes. He felt his already sharp nails trying to rip their way out of his gloves. His breath was almost non-existent. He was trying not to claw his skin off. He had fallen to all fours, unable to stand. It hurt so much.

She was hurting him. He still loved her. She was going to kill him. He wouldn’t give up on her. She was enjoying this. He wondered how long he could survive this pain before passing out. Surely not much longer. Make it stop. Please.

“Ra-ven. Hurts. Please.”

The person she loved more than anything was begging for mercy- begging HER for mercy. Because she was hurting him. And there was no way he could make it stop. Stuck bowing before her, the image reminded her of an evil goddess. Her demonic side didn’t let her collapse at watching this, unfortunately.

No, _that_ side of her felt a thrill at his pain, and carnal excitement at his desperation. It was so pleasing to watch the natural progression of someone thinking she was worth loving to someone a writhing, incoherent, helpless, mess unable of basic speech. She didn’t even think he realized there were tears of anguish streaming down his face. Not that it didn’t serve him right.

He was left there, nothing to bargain or plead with, willing to do anything for the pain to stop. There was a desperation that came with a complete disregard for anything else. It was him at his most broken. Nothing else to give, though she knew if he could he would. At his wits end, willing to make any deal, pay any price, just so the pain would stop

There was a part of her, the part she had locked away, that would also do anything to make it stop. She even, in a bout of her own desperation, thought that meant trading places. She then wondered if that was so far-fetched. She tucked that idea away for later as the rest of her spoke.

“Aw, what’s wrong?” Her multiple voices shone through. Vaguely, her hidden part realized she hadn’t set verbal boundaries and this could go very, very bad. She also knew this was the only way to get through to him. “Is the little _brat boy_ too weak to fight back? Or is he just a coward?”

Something changed in him at that, where there’d been determination, now there was only acceptance. She wasn’t going to stop hurting him, and he couldn’t hold out much longer. The only thing he could hope to do was convince her she was wrong, before he passed out; he didn’t want her drowning in her own guilt.

“Won’t… fight yo-.” His voice cut off in a wracking cough as he failed to take a breath. Seeing him so resigned, so _helpless_ , switched control over to her once more.

Instantly, she fell to her own knees, silently sobbing, hating the fact that there was a part of her that could not just do that but enjoy it so entirely. It didn’t help that physical pain always coursed through her after ever allowing such a switch.

Shockwaves ran through her for almost a minute before she finally managed to stand and look at the person she loved. He sat there, weary, watching her. Had she not been an empath she would’ve thought him fed up, or waiting to see if she’d attack again. She was an empath though, and she knew he was just heartbroken. And, like the idiot he was, it wasn’t even for his sake but hers!

“Did that make you feel better?” He asked, tiredly, trying, and failing, to keep the bitterness out of his voice. He made no move to get closer. He hadn’t given up, she could feel that much, but he was subconsciously adding this onto the pile of deserved pain. She made a point to deal with that later.

Knowing that such intense pain wore a person out, she spoke. “You need to rest, we’ll talk when we wake up.” She checked her watch. It’d been about almost two hours. She too, was exhausted. Even at a beach no one but the two of them could reach, it was hard to sleep anywhere that didn’t have a lock and four walls to keep others out.

“I’m setting my alarm for 4pm. I’ll explain later if you really want, but for now, we need to sleep.”

He hesitantly walked over to her, before shifting into a giant soft panther. He curled around her, and with equal hesitation she settled in. She knew he’d hear if there was any danger. After setting her alarm, she, and he, were out like a light.

When they woke up they got out some food and water. Milking the silence, they dug in. Eventually she figured she had to face the music. “Do you know why I did that?” She said, not apologizing. Not yet. She took a swig of water.

He sighed, and to her astonishment she felt him resign himself to more electric pain. “You’re afraid.” She gaped, but hid it by starting a second sandwich, (she hadn’t realized how much energy she needed to replenish.) She electrocuted him, how was he still capable of thinking of things from her point of view? “You’re afraid you’re going to hurt someone, maybe me, and because you don’t trust to try and help.”

“Given your most recent display of self-preservation I’d say I was right not to trust your judgement.” She said, unimpressed, finishing off her meal and chugging the rest of her water.

“I knew the risks,” he shrugged. “I just had my priorities straight. I’d do it a thousand times over if I had to.” Another shockwave went through her, momentarily knocking the wind from her.

“So you knew I might just ruthlessly try and torture you?” She was skeptical, to say the least, once she’d recovered.

“Raven, you lash out when you’re scared, hurt, confused, or embarrassed. It’s not hard to imagine you being all of those at any given moment given how things are changing.”

“Then why would you do that?” she asked, and to his astonishment, and mild horror, she was almost back to tears.

He was very confused at this. Still, the question was hardly less worrying. “Are you joking?”

She was baffled at whatever that meant. “No.” She swallowed before continuing. “I _hurt_ you. I chose to do that, of my own free will, and you stayed, willingly went through that, because… you have a crush on me? I don’t understand.”

“Raven,” he said, frustrated. “You’re the coolest girl I know. You kick more butt than all the other Titans combined, you’re _super_ perceptive, and you try your hardest to be nice, even when emotions are terrifying for you. You put up with me, … and you’re so brave! You stayed when things were hopeless, really hopeless, because you thought maybe things could get better.”

He figured there had to be a way to say what he really meant without panicking her. After all, they seemed to be growing, right?

“More than that though… I know you care. You get thrown to Earth and you instantly tried to do good. You tried to protect us, and, even if you always have to do it with an insult, you make sure I don’t do anything too stupid, like microwave the fork that one time.” He scratched his head and grinned, feigning embarrassment. She smirked.

He still hadn’t said what he needed too; apparently he was still just Beast Boy. Eventually he just settled for the truth. “You’re not gonna wanna hear this,” he said softly. “but YOU’RE not bad. Maybe, _maybe_ , your powers come from a bad place but that doesn’t make you bad. You use your powers for good and so that means they’re good. I know what you are, and so do the others. And we’d still all die for you.”

Suddenly they were sitting on glass. He supposed there were worse ways her power could’ve manifested.

“…That’s not a good thing.” She supposed it didn’t matter though, considering she never planned on seeing them again. Shaking her head, she continued. “I can’t risk hurting you just so I can be happy.”

“Why can’t I be the judge of that?”

“Because I’m an empath, and it would kill me. Even if I wasn’t, I couldn’t live with myself.”

“Even if it hurts me to not?”

She looked at him, agonized. “Somehow I feel like being friend-zoned is a little less dangerous than being attacked. Here, I’ll do this if, before we do anything, you to hurt me to see if it keeps my powers in check.”

“Hurt you? Like..?”

“Like, I want you to see if you can’t rip open the skin on my arm with your hands as literal eagle talons.” She was less ashamed at the violent recoil than she probably should’ve been.

“NO!” She raised an eyebrow as he once again tried to figure out how to say something that wouldn’t work as a mirror to his own request.

“Raven, there’s a chance this won’t even hurt anyone.” He said, urgently.

She countered without missing a beat: “Aside from the fact that I threw you 30’, there’s also the chance that this will help me control my powers.”

“I can’t do that.”

She shrugged, entirely unphased. “Your call.”

“Is this a test?” He asked finally.

“No. I’m being serious. For all I know, it might help.”

“Ugh, if I do this I’m a bad person.”

“Am I a bad person for shooting you with lightening nonstop?” _Yes_ her mind supplied. She ignored what she already knew.

“Fine! Fine.” He said, more curious about what she was really getting at than anything. He trusted her to have good ideas for the most part, so if she really thought this would help, he’d trust her. She scooted over to him, and watched him steady himself. Holding out her arm she waited as he morphed into a feline and before he could talk himself out of it, slashed his claws down her arm.

A cry escaped her, before she seemed almost unconscious. Given the blood loss, it wasn’t surprising. But then, before he could panic, her wound started healing. “That was amazing.” She said, sounding like she’d just had the world’s most relaxing massage.

He didn’t try to stop himself from gawking. At feeling his utter astonishment she remembered what had brought this on and passionately kissed him. After what felt like an eternity for both of them, they broke apart panting. “Wow.” He said, mind fogged over.

She grinned, thrilled that nothing had happened. “Yeah. Wow.”

“That was…”

“Yup, that was something alright. And nothing happened!” She said, almost giddy.

He stopped, and the smiled faded from his face as he remembered why he finally got the forbidden kiss.

“Why _did_ that work?” He asked, not as all as naive as he knew she had hoped. While he did so he looked at her almost completely healed arm.

“I dunno,” she hedged.

“Raven, you can lie to the others but I can literally hear your heartbeat, and your breathing, and your everything. Talk to me.”

She shrugged, well aware of how hypocritical she was about to sound; “It’s a lot easier to keep in a demon when it feels I have the pain I deserve. Whether that’s losing you or having my arm sliced open, it doesn’t really care.”

She waited for the inevitable lecture but eventually looked over when it never came. She did try to figure out if he was joking when he asked if an exorcism would work.

“No, Beast Boy, we cannot exorcise half of me.” She said annoyed and somehow also fondly exasperated. He slumped at this.

Suddenly, he perked up, cocking his head, listening to something. Raven waited, on high alert. Hands at her side, ready to fire magic at any moment. Looking out on the water where the shore awaited they saw something flying towards them, and at first it looked like a missile.

“Slade!” she gasped, a new bucket of ice water running down her spine.

“Game plan?” Beast Boy asked. This was her battle and her decisions.

Narrowing her eyes, she looked at the oncoming threat, and said, venom drenching her voice. “I want his legs gone.” He glanced at her in surprise. They were hardly that violent. “Oh, with _dear ol’ daddy’s_ powers” She sneered and a tree branch snapped. “He’ll heal. But it’ll put him out of commission for a while.” By now he was almost upon them. “GO!”

The battle was quick and messy. Flames ingulfed Slade and while diving from above, and BB vaguely wondered if Slade had literally been looking up spells on Skyrim.

Not noticing the tiny horsefly had landed on the front his shirt, Slade flew directly at Raven, who threw energy in a javelin format, before grabbing the glass they’d been sitting on and hurling at that him as well. Dodging that, he was about to reach her when a giant saltwater croc, wrapping around him like a belt come-back-alive, snapped him clean in two. Screaming, Slade had barely hit land when he was forced to teleport away, leaving Beast Boy to spit out bits of anatomy he’d rather not think about.

Raven dropped to the ground, fear still giving her the shakes. “You good?” She asked, recalling her previous run-in with Slade, back when she was with Robin. She missed him.

“Dude, I got hair in my mouth from his-”

“You can stop talking now, thanks.” She said putting a magical strip of black over his mouth until he got the message.

“So, what now?” BB asked. She shrugged, before going to their picnic supplies. Grabbing her empty water bottle she filled it up and handed it over.

“Rinse.” The sorceress commanded, but they both saw the act for the kindness it was.

After he’d done so, thoroughly, thrice, her communicator beeped. “Aqualad’s 3 minutes out.”

“Great.” BB said, sullenly.

She glared at him. “You _will_ be nice to him, got it? He’s being nice enough to drop everything to help us.” Quieter, “Help me.” It was obvious she still thought anyone helping her for no good reason of their own was a miracle, though technically it was in his best interest, too, she remembered.

BB groaned. “Of course, I’ll be nice to the guy… I’ll try, anyway. It’ll just be annoying watching you make googly eyes at him.” The tree that’d been growing nearby snapped in half, to Raven’s mild regret. It was clearly a couple hundred years old. At the moment, however, she was a bit more distracted.

“Sorry,” Beast Boy said sheepishly, chuckling like he did when he was afraid of getting in trouble.

But she didn’t round on him or throw him into the ocean. She just put up her hood and replied, quietly, “I promise I won’t flirt with him.” _He doesn’t deserve to have such baggage, you don’t deserve to be betrayed and none of us deserve to have our hopes killed when I’m gone_.

“Raven,” BB started, somewhat desperately, but was cut off by a sub arising from the deep, or, more accurately, the shallows.

“Hop in, everyone!”

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first real writing. What did you think? Was any of it ooc? Concrit? Praise? Suggestions for future chapters?

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Price Of Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28922433) by [personface](https://archiveofourown.org/users/personface/pseuds/personface)




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